This may sound obvious but you need to forgive yourself. You do deserve the happy life you have made for yourself. The only thing preventing you from enjoying it is the guilt you are feeling. No one needs to put that on you, but you are.
The past is the past. We all fuck up…really badly sometimes. It happens. But we have to move beyond feeling tormented about it and give ourselves grace to live and smile and enjoy the present moment. You have permission to be happy and free of guilt ♥️